12/5/08: When measurement fails, invent your own scale

Do you ever resent people asking how you are, then ignoring your answer? Find yourself recounting your sadness over a favorite houseplant’s death at length to an unsympathetic listener? Wish there was a more efficient way to express your true feelings?

This is the column for you, my friend. Use this system of measurements to streamline those conversations and express your unhappiness more efficiently!


Emotion: sadness

Units of measure: kittens

How it works: Levels of sadness can be expressed in units of kittens — that is, the number of kittens it would take to bring one back up to *LOL* levels of happiness.

A nine-kitten day, then, would be significantly worse than a three-kitten day. A typically happy day may warrant a zero- to one-kitten level.

Example:
Your bike was stolen: four kittens
Your car was stolen: six kittens
Your house was stolen: nine kittens

Limits: Kittens should never be counted in fractions, as the gruesomeness of the image would defeat this scale’s purpose. (Half or three-quarters of a kitten would make no one *LOL* happy.)

It is impossible to rate any day a negative-kittens day.

This scale may be less useful to those who do not like kittens or do not think they are cute.


Emotion: geographic dissatisfaction

Units of measure: absolute cultural miles

How it works: Levels of geographic dissatisfaction — that is, un/happiness with one’s geographic location based on proximity to positive factors (friends, active local "hippie" population [for hippies], ice cream parlors) or negative factors (enemies, active local "hippie" population [for Republicans], town dumps) — can be measured in absolute cultural miles (cult. mi.) from Trenton, N.J., which is the absolutely most dissatisfying place on the planet.

The geographically dissatisfied should compare their level of dissatisfaction with how they would feel if they were living in the exact geographic center of Trenton.

The more satisfied they are with the positive factors, the farther from the geographic center of Trenton they will rate that factor — the less satisfied, the closer.

Example:
All friends within walking distance: 11,500 cult. mi.
Museum within walking distance: 7,500 cult. mi.
Town dump, gelatin factory and several enemies within walking distance: three cult. mi.

Limits: Cultural miles can range from zero (the exact geographic center of Trenton) to 12,430 (the exact opposite side of the planet from Trenton).


Emotion: frazzlement due to over-busyness

Units of measure: selves

How it works: Frazzlement (anxiety) levels can be measured in the number of selves that would be required to allow you to take a Caribbean vacation without guilt.

Selves should be measured with the original-you calibrated at zero. Thus, if you are currently taking a guilt-free Caribbean vacation, your frazzlement level is at zero selves.

A typical day would require at least one self to free you for a Caribbean vacation.

Example:
You have to pick up a single jar of peanut butter from the store: one self
You have to give a dinner party for four to seven friends: four selves
You have to fill out insurance forms, pick up a child from day care, take out the trash and clean the bathroom: six selves (with three for the forms)

Limits: Particularly guilt-ridden people will find this scale useless, as they are likely incapable of taking a Caribbean vacation without guilt.

Elaborations: High numbers of selves may be translated into units of moms. One mom is worth five selves.


Requests for further emotion scales may be made via comments or e-mail.