12/12/08: Some practical advice about what not to say

The holidays can be stressful — that’s so obvious, it’s become a cliche. So I’m not going to write about that.

Rather than pontificate on how to de-stress and “just let go” when the urge to Martha-Stewartize your home hits you right before that family get-together, I’m going to give you some practical advice on making conversation with your guests once they’ve arrived.

I started last week by helping you streamline the process of complaining, introducing some scales to help you express your unhappiness more efficiently. Without lengthy stories of how busy you’ve been this holiday season (see frazzlement scale) as filler, you may find yourself with more talking time.

You can talk about almost anything you want in that time: the weather, a local sports team, the upcoming presidential election (2012).

But whatever your topic, there are some phrases you should avoid using, except as a joke. I’ll explain for each how you might use them humorously, and why and how to avoid them under other circumstances.

“No offense, but ...”

As a joke: You can use this phrase when you are sure the listeners agree with you, if you follow with something obviously offensive. This is funny when it is directed at a famous figure everyone finds annoying, such as Scott “Carrot Top” Thompson; otherwise, it is cruel.

For real: You will never fail to offend if you begin your remarks with this phrase. Upon hearing it, listeners will immediately begin being offended.Instead of feigning respect for the person to whom you are speaking, then, you might try some refreshing honesty: “I was just thinking something rotten about you and wanted to let you know” or “I feel an obligation to the world at large to tell you to take a bath/discipline your child/get off my property.”Alternatively, you could bite your tongue and say nothing.

“You’re not ugly.”

As a joke: Never use this as a joke.

For real: This reassurance is especially useless when it is unsolicited. If someone is sitting there, minding her own business, and you look over and say, “You’re not ugly,” you’re implying you had been thinking she was. (And anyway, who asked you?)

It is also useless to say this to someone fishing for a compliment. In fact, there are really only two ways to deal with someone complaining “I’m ugly/fat/too obsessed with reality TV:” The first is to go over and say, if you can say it honestly, “Not to me. To me, you’re beautiful/exactly the right size/a ‘TV enthusiast.’”

The second, which is the one I usually choose, is to sit back and say “Well, I’ve always thought so.” 

“Really?”

As a joke: You can say this to point out that whatever has just been said is obvious. Take care to select the proper “sarcastic voice,” or people will think you’re legitimately offended. Maybe you should practice first.

For real: The trouble with this word is that it implies a lack of belief in what has just been said.

At some point all of us, however diligently we struggle to avoid it, will be surprised by some statement and blurt out “really?” in response. It’s best to try to cover up the slight of the word by immediately following it with what we really meant, i.e., “I’m surprised!” or “That’s crazy!” or “What do you mean a telephone pole has fallen on my car?”

Next week, I’ll help you out on giving unsolicited advice. (Try not to give any advice until then.)