Hi Alicia -- This is Ken from The Herald Sports department.
I was reading your column and have the following comment. I hope you don't think I'm being critical but if I don't tell you, maybe nobody would.
"You're a trooper," I believe, should be, "You're a trouper."
Merriam-Webster says:
: Trouper -- a person who deals with and persists through difficulty or hardship without complaint. You're a real trouper to wait so long.
I used the phrase recently, thought about it, checked it out and I was glad I did.
*****
Good point! And one I should've made in my column. I'll post your comment on my blog archive of my columns, if you don't mind.
I actually copied the phrase directly from the "101 Ways" poster I was looking at, but I should've checked, as you did, on the spelling. For a poster I was critiquing, trusting the spelling to be right was obviously trusting too much!
Alicia.
Friday, December 26, 2008
12/26/08: Wondering what to say? Praise the effort.
You may think me a bah-humbugger after my past two or three columns warning you off of things you shouldn’t say, when here we are in the middle of the jolliest time of year — the holidays.
You’d be partly right. Instead of eggnog, for instance, I’ve been drinking diet fruit punch. Not much holiday spirit in that.
But I don’t intend to leave you holding your tongue into the new year: Here, finally, is the column that tells you what to say instead of just what to avoid saying. This one’s all about praise.
Way to go! You made it — and so did I! High fives all around. And that haircut looks great on you, by the way. Most people couldn’t pull it off, but on you, it works. Not that it’s strange or anything, just, um — so how about this weather we’re having, eh?
While I think my firsthand experience qualifies me as an expert on things you shouldn’t say, I thought we’d all be better off if I did a little research on how to praise properly.
I consulted one of those posters of "101 Ways to Praise A Child," hoping a quick fix would do the trick.
From "bingo" to "you’re a winner," though, I saw praise that would work only in particular situations: "you learned it right" wouldn’t be very helpful, for instance, in encouraging a kid struggling with math to persevere past the two-plus-two-equals-five stage. And I have a hard time imagining myself saying "hot dog!" unless I’m actually handing one to someone.
I memorized a few and experimented with them anyway. In general, my attempts to praise led to confusion, neck-straining (as friends looked around for the promised hot dogs: "Where are they? I’m getting hungry") and eventual disappointment ("Well, now I wish I had one") rather than increased self esteem.
Maybe a new vocabulary wasn’t enough; I needed a new theory.
And — hot dog! — I found one.
An (actual) experiment in praise performed by psychologist Carol Dweck and her team at Columbia University found that acknowledging effort, rather than innate talent, works. In the experiment, two groups of fifth-graders were given an easy test. One group of kids was told they had done well because they were smart; the other group was told they had done well because they worked hard.
When they were all given the opportunity to take a harder test, or stick to the same level of difficulty, the majority of the "smart" kids chose to remain at the same level. Ninety percent of the "hardworking" kids chose the harder test — and then worked harder.
Not only did the "hardworking" group have a more positive attitude toward the tests and their own efforts, but when retested, they improved their original scores by about 30 percent. The "smart" kids did worse by about 20 percent.
I went back to the 101 Ways poster to see how many of the phrases I’d learned fell into the "you’re smart!" category. There were a few that would have to be axed, in addition to "you figured it out," "you’re catching on," and "A+ job," which are based on results rather than effort.
There were also a lot of generalities, such as "neat," "super work," or "wow," which aren’t as effective as specifics.
Here’s what to remember about praise, then: the more focused on specific efforts, the more effective.
So in the spirit of the season, thanks for taking the time to look over this column, reader. You’re a real trooper.
How was it — good? Let me know; your praise could help me write an even better column next week.
You’d be partly right. Instead of eggnog, for instance, I’ve been drinking diet fruit punch. Not much holiday spirit in that.
But I don’t intend to leave you holding your tongue into the new year: Here, finally, is the column that tells you what to say instead of just what to avoid saying. This one’s all about praise.
Way to go! You made it — and so did I! High fives all around. And that haircut looks great on you, by the way. Most people couldn’t pull it off, but on you, it works. Not that it’s strange or anything, just, um — so how about this weather we’re having, eh?
While I think my firsthand experience qualifies me as an expert on things you shouldn’t say, I thought we’d all be better off if I did a little research on how to praise properly.
I consulted one of those posters of "101 Ways to Praise A Child," hoping a quick fix would do the trick.
From "bingo" to "you’re a winner," though, I saw praise that would work only in particular situations: "you learned it right" wouldn’t be very helpful, for instance, in encouraging a kid struggling with math to persevere past the two-plus-two-equals-five stage. And I have a hard time imagining myself saying "hot dog!" unless I’m actually handing one to someone.
I memorized a few and experimented with them anyway. In general, my attempts to praise led to confusion, neck-straining (as friends looked around for the promised hot dogs: "Where are they? I’m getting hungry") and eventual disappointment ("Well, now I wish I had one") rather than increased self esteem.
Maybe a new vocabulary wasn’t enough; I needed a new theory.
And — hot dog! — I found one.
An (actual) experiment in praise performed by psychologist Carol Dweck and her team at Columbia University found that acknowledging effort, rather than innate talent, works. In the experiment, two groups of fifth-graders were given an easy test. One group of kids was told they had done well because they were smart; the other group was told they had done well because they worked hard.
When they were all given the opportunity to take a harder test, or stick to the same level of difficulty, the majority of the "smart" kids chose to remain at the same level. Ninety percent of the "hardworking" kids chose the harder test — and then worked harder.
Not only did the "hardworking" group have a more positive attitude toward the tests and their own efforts, but when retested, they improved their original scores by about 30 percent. The "smart" kids did worse by about 20 percent.
I went back to the 101 Ways poster to see how many of the phrases I’d learned fell into the "you’re smart!" category. There were a few that would have to be axed, in addition to "you figured it out," "you’re catching on," and "A+ job," which are based on results rather than effort.
There were also a lot of generalities, such as "neat," "super work," or "wow," which aren’t as effective as specifics.
Here’s what to remember about praise, then: the more focused on specific efforts, the more effective.
So in the spirit of the season, thanks for taking the time to look over this column, reader. You’re a real trooper.
How was it — good? Let me know; your praise could help me write an even better column next week.
Friday, December 19, 2008
12/19/08: A bit of sound advice, and why not to give it
As promised, here are some phrases to avoid when giving advice. Remember this list when your relatives are in town.
"Calm down."
As a joke: You can say this to someone who is sitting quietly, reading a book or otherwise not bothering you in any way. This is especially effective used on someone who is never excitable, such as an entomologist.
For real: Either the person you’re saying this to is actually upset about something, in which case your saying "calm down" will almost certainly fail to have the desired effect, or they don’t perceive themselves as being worked up and you’ve succeeded in pointing out their embarrassing volume level.
Perhaps instead, you could say "You’re being loud and embarrassing me, which is just as important as the fact that I stole your credit cards. Have a little self-respect!"
"Stop worrying."
As a joke: Repeat this phrase at increasing volume, again when the person you’re speaking to does not appear to be worrying at all. Escalation is key.
For real: Telling a worrier to stop worrying will have the opposite of the intended effect, since you’ve now shown them you are not willing to share the necessary work of preventing disaster through worrying it away. Now they’ll have to do your part of the worrying, too.
The only way to unclench worrywarts is to beat them at their own game. For every new anxiety they mention, respond, eyes wide with concern, "I know — we’re probably all going to die! Probably from this!"
If they object, up the ante until they give up: Santa won’t come this year; zombie robots will doom us all to a life of telemarketing; "owls will deafen us with their incessant hooting"; etc.
"Chill out."
Var. "calm down" — see previous entry.
"Don’t do anything stupid."
As a joke: This phrase functions best in response to someone’s announcement that they’re about to do something completely reasonable and necessary, such as wash the dishes.
For real: The person you’re advising has probably already decided to do something stupid by the time you utter this phrase. Your advice only indicates your disapproval at that point, making it less likely you’ll get a front-row seat for the ensuing disaster.
It’s also possible that the advisee is still on the fence; in this case, the phrase only distances you from the person you’re trying to convince. Like worriers, people about to act stupidly usually don’t recognize that what they’re going to do is stupid. Even if they do, most people don’t like to be reminded of their own capacity for stupidity, despite its humanitywide prevalence.
Instead of telling the advisee not to be stupid, then, bring their focus around to possible actions or ideas that may be smart: "let’s mop the kitchen floor," "how about getting some ice cream" or "why don’t you adopt that pet tortoise you’ve always wanted, instead" may get the advisee in a better frame of mind.
"Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do."
As a joke: This works best if you are a person of extremes — either extremely straight-laced or a daredevil.
For real: This phrase has one advantage over other typical advice phrases, which is that it reveals the true raison d’etre of advice-giving: to get the advisee to act exactly as you feel you would act in a given situation.
Anyone reaching the point of seriously uttering this phrase should stop speaking immediately and seek help.
After you’ve received your share of advice, you should be able to return to the previous conversation, knowing better.
"Calm down."
As a joke: You can say this to someone who is sitting quietly, reading a book or otherwise not bothering you in any way. This is especially effective used on someone who is never excitable, such as an entomologist.
For real: Either the person you’re saying this to is actually upset about something, in which case your saying "calm down" will almost certainly fail to have the desired effect, or they don’t perceive themselves as being worked up and you’ve succeeded in pointing out their embarrassing volume level.
Perhaps instead, you could say "You’re being loud and embarrassing me, which is just as important as the fact that I stole your credit cards. Have a little self-respect!"
"Stop worrying."
As a joke: Repeat this phrase at increasing volume, again when the person you’re speaking to does not appear to be worrying at all. Escalation is key.
For real: Telling a worrier to stop worrying will have the opposite of the intended effect, since you’ve now shown them you are not willing to share the necessary work of preventing disaster through worrying it away. Now they’ll have to do your part of the worrying, too.
The only way to unclench worrywarts is to beat them at their own game. For every new anxiety they mention, respond, eyes wide with concern, "I know — we’re probably all going to die! Probably from this!"
If they object, up the ante until they give up: Santa won’t come this year; zombie robots will doom us all to a life of telemarketing; "owls will deafen us with their incessant hooting"; etc.
"Chill out."
Var. "calm down" — see previous entry.
"Don’t do anything stupid."
As a joke: This phrase functions best in response to someone’s announcement that they’re about to do something completely reasonable and necessary, such as wash the dishes.
For real: The person you’re advising has probably already decided to do something stupid by the time you utter this phrase. Your advice only indicates your disapproval at that point, making it less likely you’ll get a front-row seat for the ensuing disaster.
It’s also possible that the advisee is still on the fence; in this case, the phrase only distances you from the person you’re trying to convince. Like worriers, people about to act stupidly usually don’t recognize that what they’re going to do is stupid. Even if they do, most people don’t like to be reminded of their own capacity for stupidity, despite its humanitywide prevalence.
Instead of telling the advisee not to be stupid, then, bring their focus around to possible actions or ideas that may be smart: "let’s mop the kitchen floor," "how about getting some ice cream" or "why don’t you adopt that pet tortoise you’ve always wanted, instead" may get the advisee in a better frame of mind.
"Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do."
As a joke: This works best if you are a person of extremes — either extremely straight-laced or a daredevil.
For real: This phrase has one advantage over other typical advice phrases, which is that it reveals the true raison d’etre of advice-giving: to get the advisee to act exactly as you feel you would act in a given situation.
Anyone reaching the point of seriously uttering this phrase should stop speaking immediately and seek help.
After you’ve received your share of advice, you should be able to return to the previous conversation, knowing better.
Friday, December 12, 2008
12/12/08: Some practical advice about what not to say
The holidays can be stressful — that’s so obvious, it’s become a cliche. So I’m not going to write about that.
Rather than pontificate on how to de-stress and “just let go” when the urge to Martha-Stewartize your home hits you right before that family get-together, I’m going to give you some practical advice on making conversation with your guests once they’ve arrived.
I started last week by helping you streamline the process of complaining, introducing some scales to help you express your unhappiness more efficiently. Without lengthy stories of how busy you’ve been this holiday season (see frazzlement scale) as filler, you may find yourself with more talking time.
You can talk about almost anything you want in that time: the weather, a local sports team, the upcoming presidential election (2012).
But whatever your topic, there are some phrases you should avoid using, except as a joke. I’ll explain for each how you might use them humorously, and why and how to avoid them under other circumstances.
“No offense, but ...”
As a joke: You can use this phrase when you are sure the listeners agree with you, if you follow with something obviously offensive. This is funny when it is directed at a famous figure everyone finds annoying, such as Scott “Carrot Top” Thompson; otherwise, it is cruel.
For real: You will never fail to offend if you begin your remarks with this phrase. Upon hearing it, listeners will immediately begin being offended.Instead of feigning respect for the person to whom you are speaking, then, you might try some refreshing honesty: “I was just thinking something rotten about you and wanted to let you know” or “I feel an obligation to the world at large to tell you to take a bath/discipline your child/get off my property.”Alternatively, you could bite your tongue and say nothing.
“You’re not ugly.”
As a joke: Never use this as a joke.
For real: This reassurance is especially useless when it is unsolicited. If someone is sitting there, minding her own business, and you look over and say, “You’re not ugly,” you’re implying you had been thinking she was. (And anyway, who asked you?)
It is also useless to say this to someone fishing for a compliment. In fact, there are really only two ways to deal with someone complaining “I’m ugly/fat/too obsessed with reality TV:” The first is to go over and say, if you can say it honestly, “Not to me. To me, you’re beautiful/exactly the right size/a ‘TV enthusiast.’”
The second, which is the one I usually choose, is to sit back and say “Well, I’ve always thought so.”
“Really?”
As a joke: You can say this to point out that whatever has just been said is obvious. Take care to select the proper “sarcastic voice,” or people will think you’re legitimately offended. Maybe you should practice first.
For real: The trouble with this word is that it implies a lack of belief in what has just been said.
At some point all of us, however diligently we struggle to avoid it, will be surprised by some statement and blurt out “really?” in response. It’s best to try to cover up the slight of the word by immediately following it with what we really meant, i.e., “I’m surprised!” or “That’s crazy!” or “What do you mean a telephone pole has fallen on my car?”
Next week, I’ll help you out on giving unsolicited advice. (Try not to give any advice until then.)
Rather than pontificate on how to de-stress and “just let go” when the urge to Martha-Stewartize your home hits you right before that family get-together, I’m going to give you some practical advice on making conversation with your guests once they’ve arrived.
I started last week by helping you streamline the process of complaining, introducing some scales to help you express your unhappiness more efficiently. Without lengthy stories of how busy you’ve been this holiday season (see frazzlement scale) as filler, you may find yourself with more talking time.
You can talk about almost anything you want in that time: the weather, a local sports team, the upcoming presidential election (2012).
But whatever your topic, there are some phrases you should avoid using, except as a joke. I’ll explain for each how you might use them humorously, and why and how to avoid them under other circumstances.
“No offense, but ...”
As a joke: You can use this phrase when you are sure the listeners agree with you, if you follow with something obviously offensive. This is funny when it is directed at a famous figure everyone finds annoying, such as Scott “Carrot Top” Thompson; otherwise, it is cruel.
For real: You will never fail to offend if you begin your remarks with this phrase. Upon hearing it, listeners will immediately begin being offended.Instead of feigning respect for the person to whom you are speaking, then, you might try some refreshing honesty: “I was just thinking something rotten about you and wanted to let you know” or “I feel an obligation to the world at large to tell you to take a bath/discipline your child/get off my property.”Alternatively, you could bite your tongue and say nothing.
“You’re not ugly.”
As a joke: Never use this as a joke.
For real: This reassurance is especially useless when it is unsolicited. If someone is sitting there, minding her own business, and you look over and say, “You’re not ugly,” you’re implying you had been thinking she was. (And anyway, who asked you?)
It is also useless to say this to someone fishing for a compliment. In fact, there are really only two ways to deal with someone complaining “I’m ugly/fat/too obsessed with reality TV:” The first is to go over and say, if you can say it honestly, “Not to me. To me, you’re beautiful/exactly the right size/a ‘TV enthusiast.’”
The second, which is the one I usually choose, is to sit back and say “Well, I’ve always thought so.”
“Really?”
As a joke: You can say this to point out that whatever has just been said is obvious. Take care to select the proper “sarcastic voice,” or people will think you’re legitimately offended. Maybe you should practice first.
For real: The trouble with this word is that it implies a lack of belief in what has just been said.
At some point all of us, however diligently we struggle to avoid it, will be surprised by some statement and blurt out “really?” in response. It’s best to try to cover up the slight of the word by immediately following it with what we really meant, i.e., “I’m surprised!” or “That’s crazy!” or “What do you mean a telephone pole has fallen on my car?”
Next week, I’ll help you out on giving unsolicited advice. (Try not to give any advice until then.)
Friday, December 5, 2008
12/5/08: When measurement fails, invent your own scale
Do you ever resent people asking how you are, then ignoring your answer? Find yourself recounting your sadness over a favorite houseplant’s death at length to an unsympathetic listener? Wish there was a more efficient way to express your true feelings?
This is the column for you, my friend. Use this system of measurements to streamline those conversations and express your unhappiness more efficiently!
Emotion: sadness
Units of measure: kittens
How it works: Levels of sadness can be expressed in units of kittens — that is, the number of kittens it would take to bring one back up to *LOL* levels of happiness.
A nine-kitten day, then, would be significantly worse than a three-kitten day. A typically happy day may warrant a zero- to one-kitten level.
Example:
Your bike was stolen: four kittens
Your car was stolen: six kittens
Your house was stolen: nine kittens
Limits: Kittens should never be counted in fractions, as the gruesomeness of the image would defeat this scale’s purpose. (Half or three-quarters of a kitten would make no one *LOL* happy.)
It is impossible to rate any day a negative-kittens day.
This scale may be less useful to those who do not like kittens or do not think they are cute.
Emotion: geographic dissatisfaction
Units of measure: absolute cultural miles
How it works: Levels of geographic dissatisfaction — that is, un/happiness with one’s geographic location based on proximity to positive factors (friends, active local "hippie" population [for hippies], ice cream parlors) or negative factors (enemies, active local "hippie" population [for Republicans], town dumps) — can be measured in absolute cultural miles (cult. mi.) from Trenton, N.J., which is the absolutely most dissatisfying place on the planet.
The geographically dissatisfied should compare their level of dissatisfaction with how they would feel if they were living in the exact geographic center of Trenton.
The more satisfied they are with the positive factors, the farther from the geographic center of Trenton they will rate that factor — the less satisfied, the closer.
Example:
All friends within walking distance: 11,500 cult. mi.
Museum within walking distance: 7,500 cult. mi.
Town dump, gelatin factory and several enemies within walking distance: three cult. mi.
Limits: Cultural miles can range from zero (the exact geographic center of Trenton) to 12,430 (the exact opposite side of the planet from Trenton).
Emotion: frazzlement due to over-busyness
Units of measure: selves
How it works: Frazzlement (anxiety) levels can be measured in the number of selves that would be required to allow you to take a Caribbean vacation without guilt.
Selves should be measured with the original-you calibrated at zero. Thus, if you are currently taking a guilt-free Caribbean vacation, your frazzlement level is at zero selves.
A typical day would require at least one self to free you for a Caribbean vacation.
Example:
You have to pick up a single jar of peanut butter from the store: one self
You have to give a dinner party for four to seven friends: four selves
You have to fill out insurance forms, pick up a child from day care, take out the trash and clean the bathroom: six selves (with three for the forms)
Limits: Particularly guilt-ridden people will find this scale useless, as they are likely incapable of taking a Caribbean vacation without guilt.
Elaborations: High numbers of selves may be translated into units of moms. One mom is worth five selves.
Requests for further emotion scales may be made via comments or e-mail.
This is the column for you, my friend. Use this system of measurements to streamline those conversations and express your unhappiness more efficiently!
Emotion: sadness
Units of measure: kittens
How it works: Levels of sadness can be expressed in units of kittens — that is, the number of kittens it would take to bring one back up to *LOL* levels of happiness.
A nine-kitten day, then, would be significantly worse than a three-kitten day. A typically happy day may warrant a zero- to one-kitten level.
Example:
Your bike was stolen: four kittens
Your car was stolen: six kittens
Your house was stolen: nine kittens
Limits: Kittens should never be counted in fractions, as the gruesomeness of the image would defeat this scale’s purpose. (Half or three-quarters of a kitten would make no one *LOL* happy.)
It is impossible to rate any day a negative-kittens day.
This scale may be less useful to those who do not like kittens or do not think they are cute.
Emotion: geographic dissatisfaction
Units of measure: absolute cultural miles
How it works: Levels of geographic dissatisfaction — that is, un/happiness with one’s geographic location based on proximity to positive factors (friends, active local "hippie" population [for hippies], ice cream parlors) or negative factors (enemies, active local "hippie" population [for Republicans], town dumps) — can be measured in absolute cultural miles (cult. mi.) from Trenton, N.J., which is the absolutely most dissatisfying place on the planet.
The geographically dissatisfied should compare their level of dissatisfaction with how they would feel if they were living in the exact geographic center of Trenton.
The more satisfied they are with the positive factors, the farther from the geographic center of Trenton they will rate that factor — the less satisfied, the closer.
Example:
All friends within walking distance: 11,500 cult. mi.
Museum within walking distance: 7,500 cult. mi.
Town dump, gelatin factory and several enemies within walking distance: three cult. mi.
Limits: Cultural miles can range from zero (the exact geographic center of Trenton) to 12,430 (the exact opposite side of the planet from Trenton).
Emotion: frazzlement due to over-busyness
Units of measure: selves
How it works: Frazzlement (anxiety) levels can be measured in the number of selves that would be required to allow you to take a Caribbean vacation without guilt.
Selves should be measured with the original-you calibrated at zero. Thus, if you are currently taking a guilt-free Caribbean vacation, your frazzlement level is at zero selves.
A typical day would require at least one self to free you for a Caribbean vacation.
Example:
You have to pick up a single jar of peanut butter from the store: one self
You have to give a dinner party for four to seven friends: four selves
You have to fill out insurance forms, pick up a child from day care, take out the trash and clean the bathroom: six selves (with three for the forms)
Limits: Particularly guilt-ridden people will find this scale useless, as they are likely incapable of taking a Caribbean vacation without guilt.
Elaborations: High numbers of selves may be translated into units of moms. One mom is worth five selves.
Requests for further emotion scales may be made via comments or e-mail.
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